days of  
n a z e  

An obnoxiously large

(101k .wav) audio greeting

from the Author.

Have you ever had a particular feeling that no word expresses? (I imagine a collective non-commital grunt and nodding of heads...)

Step right this way into the little Berlitz book of my world...

The definition: an exclamation uttered immediately prior to participation in an unexpected and/or guilty pleasure, usually but not exclusively for the benefit of a witness.

The example: You come home with a desperate craving for Chunky Monkey™ ice cream and rush to the freezer only to find that it is gone. Later in a quest for sustenance you grab the Tater Tots™ which were concealing the taste treat delight coveted earlier.

As you scoop the frozen manna into the semi-spherical ceramic container, your housemate catches you with a big grin on your face. At that exact moment, one or both of you should exclaim thusly.

Anatomy of an Exclamation:

1) A smile rising. It begins with the smile in it's moment of becoming. A slight smile with the teeth just slightly apart.

2) The tongue. You've got a serious L sound coming. Stick just the tip of your tongue in between your parted teeth. The teeth don't move but the tongue is pressing as if it might want to get out.

3) The throat. Anticipation builds. Constrict your throat just as you might when holding your breath. The air should be right behind that tension.

4) The release. About to explode? Good. The release should be as a dam with a freshly poked hole in it: a pressure suddenly released through a constricted passage. The air is squeezed past your tight throat through your mouth that is in the L sound position. Raise your eyebrows and squeeze out the glyph of delight:

LLLLGHLGHLGH!!!

As Spock would say, most humans find it impossible to pronounce.

Diagnostic:

"I'm not doing this." C'mon.

"This is way too embarrassing." Think of it as the Save Tinkerbell part in Peter Pan where instead of proclaiming your faith in fairies, you LLLLGHLGHLGH!!! to revive me from the toxins of urban angst. And don't you feel a little guilty for not getting goofy last month?

"It sounds like I'm gargling." Not a bad start. Just swallow the saliva, constrict a little more in the chest and throat until you almost feel like you're holding your breath. Keep holding, let the tension mount. Visualize a large unexpected package from Amazon.com being handed to you by your room mate. You are about to tear it open when you hesitate to relish the moment. Look room mate in eye and.... LLLLGHLGHLGH!!!

"I can't breathe!" That's a little too tight...

"Dude, I'm at work..." Pick up a tissue and pretend like you're hocking up some green stuff.

The key in our experiment today is the glottal equivalent of the rolling R.

You got it when:

• You experience momentary elation.
• Kindred bystanders pogo spontaneously.
• Witness is scandalized then delighted and attempts to replicate it. Dueling exposulations ensue.

Now let's try it together: LLLLGHLGHLGH!!! (25k of scary .wav) ["Dude! No sound card at work." Sorry. I am equally handicapped at my cubicle of discipline.]

"Why does yours have echo?" Uh, I was feeling a little inadequate...

"Are you sure that wasn't bagpipes?"

Needless to say, the true expression requires live performance with facial contortions to achieve the full effect. I am reminded of a French horn concerto in which the player plays one note and simultaneously sings another note into the horn accomplishing the impossible feat of a double-stop on a single wind instrument.

So the next time you get bonus e-mail or a monster link remember that few words are actually going to enhance your pleasure. And when it comes right down to it, which would you rather be, serene and accepting or an elated goof?

Don't answer that.

p.s. This is the part where I normally bother you to join my notification list or e-mail me. Go in peace, my child.

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