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A little audio gift (85 kb .wav)

for my Faithful readers on

the first anniversary (7/14/99) of

the site. Hand cranked to help

you on the long march.

An obnoxiously large

(101k .wav) audio greeting

from the Author.

Anatomy of a Bloodbath

[Please bear with me while I get this Survivor thing out of my system.  We're just about 26 hours after the big finale here.  Those who wish to visit nobler pursuits may take a detour or off-ramp here.]

Just a game.

This is the classic dismissal usually uttered by someone who lost, someone who hasn't played well or someone who doesn't find any joy in games.

In 1981, my high school began its first Computer Science class with 6 Apple II's (16k RAM, tape cassette drives, Apple Integer Basic).  There were about 8 of us in the class.  Along with the computers we had a big fat glossy paperback textbook.  (The coolest thing about the book were the color pictures in the middle of the Cray systems -- the most powerful computers in the world at that time.  The Cray was like a thick black pillar, hollow in the middle  with red seat cushion things that circle the pillar at, well, seat level.  Like you might sit down with a sack lunch and lean against the hot trembling machine as it produced massive quantities of weather data or somesuch.)

Anyway.  It didn't take long for games such as Apple Trek, Eamon, and Apventure to seize us with a fever grip.  Game software was the bane of our instructor,  Mr. C, a grumpy math teacher who became famous for his refrain, "those damn games!" (Incidentally, those damn games are now a multi-billion dollar entertainment industry.)

Games are our way of initiating and organizing play.  Play is central to the human experience.

It's never just a game.  It's a game.

Except when the prize is a million dollars.  That's not really play.  That's a battle.  Or in Kelly's words "a really mean game".

Over the weeks I grew to dislike Sue.  Whether it's play or battle, it's difficult to root for someone so joyless.  A couple of episodes ago, Sue confronted Kelly and told her that she would be voted off before the survivors were whittled down to 3.  At the time I thought it was crude, but a part of me admired her honesty amidst the deception that was going on.  It was a fairly harsh turnabout.  It wasn't that long before that Sue had, with tears in her eyes, confessed to the camera that she would never vote Kelly off because Kelly reminded her of a friend that had died.  But everyone knew where they stood.

Except, for some reason, Sue.

For those of you who didn't watch (all 5 of you), Kelly was invincible in competition and earned immunity up until the bitter end.  Sue got voted off.  She shrugged it off in her solo exit speech.

And then later in the show, as a participant in the Survivor jury -- the final 7 to be voted off who determine which of the final 2 is the winner -- she soils herself in a spew of vitriol at Kelly so harsh I had to look away more than once.  This is, of course, fabulous t.v., but probably the most despicable thing I've witnessed.  These two had been friends.  They shared stories.  They groomed each other for god's sake.

Sue had told Kelly that she would vote with the others to vote Kelly off.  Kelly fights like hell and survives.  Kelly votes Sue off.  Sue is enraged.  In front of the jury, Sue pokes cruelly at Kelly's vulnerabilities, calls her a failure and then, get this!, declares that she would not save Kelly from death if it were in her power to do so!

Uh, Sue.  Fifty million people just saw you go from "I'll never screw her over" to "I would kill her".

Kelly loses to Rich in a 3-4 vote.  Kelly, having stayed on the island over the last 4 votes strictly on her own abilities is $900,000 poorer.

Sue walks over to Kelly after the vote.  And it looks like she actually expects a hug!  One can only conclude that Sue has become completely unmoored.

The ickfest not complete, the post game show with Mr. Smirk, Bryant Gumbel, stages a handshake between the two women.  Pardon me, but there are some words that can never be called back.  "I would let you die" are at the very top of that list.

Towards the end I began to actually like Richard.  His sinister consistency had its own twisted honesty.  I don't begrudge him the prize.  I did find it unsettling how relentless the net Survivor articles and other stories were in mocking and belittling him about his weight.  The guy is pretty normal looking.

Greg asked the final two Survivors to pick a number between one and ten, insinuating that whoever was closer would get his vote.  This move was true to character and pretty funny.  But given how the vote turned out, it was actually cruel and gutless.  The one thing that a game requires is engagement.  Don't come to the table and then turn away and say "whatever".  That makes you something less in my book. 

On the post game show, there were a few amusing moments, but mostly more weirdness.  On the CBS site, Rich actually explains that he's using the money to remodel his house and to do a few other things.  But on the show, he adds that he's going to start an outdoor adventure program for troubled teens.  Hello Richard?  It already exists -- it's called Outward Bound.  Can't a guy just spend his after tax million on stuff and not have to put on this big show about giving money away to a charity?  There's plenty of time to take care of people out of the spotlight.

I don't hate Rudy, the 60ish former Navy Seal.  But Bryant makes a great big deal about how Rudy is An American Hero because of it.  I'm sorry.  Doing time in the service can be an admirable thing.  And it's neat that he was in special forces.  But it doesn't automatically qualify you for hero status.  Now if we want to take a look at his record and achievements, maybe he's got something really fabulous in there.  I'd consider that.  Sometimes Rudy's gaffs and insults were funny.  But his disparaging remarks about homosexuals do disqualify you from hero status in my book.

Are there big lessons to be learned from Survivor?  Jeff Probst and Sue both wildly over-reached in drawing an analogy to "corporate America".  Give me a break.  There isn't a lot of voting in for-profit, non-profit, or even government organizations when it comes to survival.  And the idea of regular promotions on the backs of your peers is an artifact of a bygone era, if in fact it ever actually existed.

Establishment media fret over the appeal of "voyeur" entertainment.  What's to become of us when we have to watch *gasp* other actual people to get our jollies?  Can we be but one step from Nero's Rome?

Dear Old Guys Who Don't Get It: All that people want is a good story.  Regular people are assemblages of story upon story.  You have to craft a good story (see Big Brother for how not to do this).  But with the right forum, your neighbors, your friends, your family, your peers will surprise you with what they've got.

I have to say that Survivor is probably the most unusual and regularly surprising show since Twin Peaks.  And that was the only show that has ever inspired me to plead in writing to the network to not cancel it.  

So maybe the lesson is beware the epitaphs of a medium.  They will be written again and again.

Or maybe the lesson is stay out of Sue's truck lane on the Milwaukee to Chicago run.

p.s.  Infrequent visitors will be shocked to learn that the last entry was made just one week ago.  Go look.

p.p.s.  The most painful part of the Survivor post game show was watching the players audition videos.  When they said on the application to be creative, I didn't realize they meant be in your face.  Hell.  I've already begun a healthy level of justification: Wow, look how uncomfortable the Outback looks.  No shade?  You'd just burn your white Norwegian butt.  Tribal Council on top of the waterfall?  You don't really like heights.  See?  I feel better already.  (Crap.)

p.p.p.s.  Pssst: new days notification. 

p.p.p.p.s.  You know, if you book your tickets to SF or Michigan now, you can get some pretty good deals.  I went to fray3 last year and really dug it.  You won't get voted off of the open mic if you keep it five minutes or less.

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