|My mom and dad tell me I was kind of
a hyper 3 year old. (Is there any other kind?)
Ill have to take their word for it. In
fact, most of this story comes to me second-hand,
because frankly, I dont remember much of it
except for a particularly unique sensation, which
I will describe in a few moments.
you ever have one of those cheap-o bamboo flutes
that used to be kind of popular as party favors?
No? Most of them were about a foot long and a
half inch in diameter with three holes along the
lower half. Youd cover those little holes
with your fingers and theoretically you could
2 years old and figure that the faster I run up
and down the length of our little ranch house,
the more flute noise I will be able to distribute
amongst the widest possible audience. Paying
perhaps a touch too much attention to the music
portion of this performance, I stumble over
something, maybe even one of my 2 other sibs, and
fall face forward onto the floor with the flute
still in my mouth.
remember the pain -- the diffuse kind that stuns
you like when you get hit hard on the nose,
except this was on the inside. I must have bawled
pretty well after that. There was some blood, but
not a lot. Mom took me to the hospital where I
proceeded to run up and down the hallway in panic
or pain, Im not sure which, waiting for the
doctor to see me.
be, the doctor couldnt seem to find
anything wrong with me, so they sent us home. (I
gotta believe that they gave me ritalin or some
kind of kiddy tranquilizer given my
get home and its getting late. Time for
milk and a snack.
remember this part.
take a mouthful of milk and swallow. Instead of
going down the old throat it *all* comes out my
nose, choking and scaring the shit out of me. I
dont think Mom was really looking as this
occurred or maybe she didnt grok the
situation fully, because she gives me another
boy! Coughing, sputtering, choking, milk
everywhere and shooting out my nose, except
nobodys laughing. The flute had
punctured my soft palette (its on the roof
of your mouth towards the back - yeah, stick your
finger back there and touch it), creating a
serious flaw in the pressurization required for
swallowing. Highly inconvenient.
returned me to the hospital post haste inquiring
if the doctors might be so kind as to explain why
milk comes shooting out her sons nose and
what were they going to do right now to fix
put me under and stitched me up. Im better
now -- mostly. But I tell you, its hard for
me to truly enjoy a rip-snorting joke told
mid-swallow. Im guessing that the doc that
first triaged me deserves a little spot here on
the stupid stage with me on this one. What do you
stupider: how i almost burned Central Oregon's largest
city to the ground.